Ramblings of an unfit mind.

Three posts in one day? Damn Irregular Hornblower!

2005-10-19T22:19:00.000-07:00

Well I've been reading a few blogs, and have found out that I should be googling my name with the word needs after it and posting the top ten results. Apparently if I do this I will have fun, so here we go:

1.) Justin needs to start playing smash bros. again. (Well, it has been a while....)

2.) Justin needs to learn this isn't 500 bc and you can't bang every girl that makes your slinky go doing-!doing. (My slinky? I think it's in my parents garage somewhere... but ok then.)

3.) Justin needs to know, did Tessa receive an e-mail asking her, "What were you and Arnold doing in the Nairobi Hilton Friday night? (Yeah!!!! What were you doing?)

4.) Justin needs a friend according to the e-mail and messages he has left at my site. (All I truly want is to be loved.... *Sniffle*)

5.) Justin needs your help now. Please make a secure online donation to the campaign today and help make a change! (Just make the cheques out Payable to cash!)

6.) Justin needs a warm and loving family that will provide a safe and nurturing environment where he will continue to flourish. (Daddy!!!!!)

7.) Justin's needs better service, better prices ASAP! (Yeah! Gimme those bargains! BASTARDS)

8.) Justin needs to "go back and clean up his mess from the past." (But how do I clean time?)

9.) Justin needs to be allowed behind all those walls! (Only Cause I'm curious!)

10.) Justin needs to get bitch slapped. ( I guess I was right to be paranoid, even google is out to get me!)

Allright already... I'm off to bed. But wasn't that fun?

Till later gentle reader,

-Justin

I am a nerd

2005-10-19T21:39:00.000-07:00

Not sure why I wrote this... chalk it up to being bored.

Enjoy!

I'm not a trekkie, or a Star Wars fanatic....

I don't own a lightsaber or death star, or a phasor...

and I don't know Frodo, Gandalf, or Gimli...

But I'm quite sure they're very nice

I have a gm, not a dungeon master..

I speak english and tekkie, not Klingon

and I pronounce it pala-din, NOT pa-lad-din!

I can proudly say I have a 12 level Fighter/Cleric!

I believe in more Star Trek movies, not star wars!

Data, not Spock!

And that Deanna Troi is a truly busty and curvaceous babe!

A tachyon beam is possible, a starship is better then a nuclear vessel...

And it is pronounced Picard, not Pickard, PICARD!

Gaming is a popular pass time!

It's Ok to watch Star Trek!

And I am not "different" dammit!

My name is Justin,

AND I AM A NERD!

The Eleventh Post..... Scary....

2005-10-19T20:47:00.000-07:00

Good evening gentle readers, one and........ well most likely one.

It's an interesting day for me today, and I live to inform. I got a job this morning, as of monday, I'm the newest employee of the Tim Hortons corporation. Not quite would you like fries with that, but close. It's actually across the street from mcdonalds, so yay me. It's really too bad that I neither eat doughnuts, or drink coffee, but I'm sure they're very nice. Best of all I get to wear a uniform and everything! With a hat! And I'm going to be making 7.85 an hour! YAY! That means that I'm going to be rich... well.... never! YAY!

As I keep telling myself, this is just a means to an end. There could be much worse jobs out there, and I'm going to join the Canadian Armed Forces as soon as I get off my butt and lose another 20 lbs. I suppose that it only stands to reason that my current predicament of no job, no money, no real future is most likely my own fault, but I hate to take credit for such a stupendous disaster. I keep hearing chief Wiggum from the Simpsons telling me: "No no! Dig up stupid!" Yet I continue deeper on.....

On a lighter note, my ex called me today. It was wonderful, I was able to be sullen and distant, and non-commital, and I didn't even resort to name calling. I suppose if I were to take her back as she asks it'd just be the same wonderful cycle all over again, but I'm not really interested to find out. She keeps asking me why I don't seem to want to talk to her, and a barely restrained voice in my head almost bursts out: "Because you cheated on me and jerked me around for 3 months you stupid cunt!" But I manage to contain it and just say it's because I have nothing to really say. I suppose soon enough, she'll move on. She certainly seems penatent, but honestly I just don't see it lasting. One day we'll both look back on this and... well most likely cringe and try to think about something... anything else.

Currently I am downloading pomp and circumstance. Providing this crappy dial up connection doesn't take too long, I'm going to write my own version of the I am Canadian commercial and post it up on here. Just cause it's late and I'm bored.

Well, thats everything interesting going on in my life,

Till next time!

-Justin

Around and around we go.....

2005-10-17T20:17:00.000-07:00

Well gentle reader, I did promise that I would expostulate on the goings on of my life, and I suppose I should stop procrastinating and get on with it. As of about 3 weeks ago I am a single man. It's been a rough ride these past three months and it seems that the ride is over. Patricia, my ex fiance, has found love abroad and no longer needs me to be a part of her life. That's right folks, she thinks she can do better. I suppose I can't blame her though, it's been 3 feet this side of awful for the last 6 months. She tells me that she doesn't have that feeling anymore, that spark of whatever it is that make relationships work.... She still loves me but she's not in love with me. You know, yet another tired cliche to make her feel better about the fact that she was running around on me, behind my back, cause things weren't perfect. Forgive me if I sound bitter, but it astounds me that people can be so callous, especially to someone they say they care about. But enough whining, it's time to carry on. I am now living with a couple of friends, who have been good enough to take me in and let me live here till I get my life straightened out. Whatever that means....

In other slightly more depressing news, I have a job interview at Tim Hortons. "How the mighty have fallen" But I suppose it would pay me more then the nothing I'm earning right now, and beggars can most certainly not be choosers. So here we go again, off into the unknown, alone and scared. But I suppose there is a bright side to all of this, I have my health. There are unlimited possibilities on the horizon. Watch out life, I just had a sandwich and I'm ready to get off my butt.

Till I feel a bit more up,

-Justin

Tried Tested and True

2005-10-15T08:04:00.000-07:00

What Famous Leader Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

I hate to say it but they have me pegged.

And since we're posting random internet oddities, I went to HotOrNot.com on a freak whim the other day and discovered that my 5 year old pick was getting me some poor poor ratings, so I decided to update it and see how hot I am. For the gentle readers viewing pleasure, here is a link:

http://www.hotornot.com/r/?eid=ASNEAZ&key=PGY

Now be kind to me, fair readers, I'm fragile.

Talk to you soon,

-Justin

101 things....

2005-10-14T21:04:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been a while ain't it? I'm sorry gentle readers, life has thrown me several curveballs as of late. More about that later though, cause I wanna do a 100 things list cause it's a Friday night and I'm alone and bored. *lol*

100 things (Or possibly less depending on how bored I get) You don't know about me.

1.) I never wear sunscreen, but I love the song by Baz Luhrman.

2.) My brother used to beat me up when I stole his tennis ball.

3.) I miss my sandbox, and flooding out sandtown with my childhood buddy Brynn.

4.) I had sex with a stripper once.

5.) I've never finished any post secondary education, but I've started several different ones, including an apprenticeship for plumbing and a bachelor of the arts with an english major.

6.) If there was a male version of a nymphomaniac, I'd be it.

7.) I have owned 6 different Dodge Darts... I miss every one of them.

8.) I was a born again christian for almost a whole year, just to impress a girl who I eventually slept with several months after being a born again christian.

9.) Every serious relationship I've ever been in has ended up with the girl cheating on me.

10.) I've never cheated on a spouse, or even considered cheating and find the whole idea of cheating abhorrent.

11.) I feel guilty about things that happened over 10 years ago, and no matter how much I tell myself that it doesn't matter, and that I'm the only person that remembers, I still feel guilty.

12.) My drivers license is suspended in Drain Oregon because of an unpaid speeding ticket, the drain justice court has threatened to extradite me from Canada. I somehow feel that this makes me very cool.

13.) I've always considered 13 to be my lucky number.

14.) I love guns. I think that everyone should have one and it should be legal to shoot people who piss you off.

15.) I am a conservative, but I voted for the liberal party because I think Stephen Harper is a Nazi, and that the conservative party agenda would destroy Canada.

16.) I broke up with a girl I really liked because she had 3 black hairs on her chin. This is the most shallow thing I've ever done, it was worse then an episode of Seinfeld.

17.) For a brief period in my life I did more ecstasy then one person ever should. I still love techno music because of this period, let that be a warning to you.

18.) When I was 6 years old I removed a thorn from a 9 year old girls foot. She told me that she liked me after and I thought that that meant we had to get married.

19.) I have been hit by a car 3 times.

20.) I have fallen out of a moving vehicle once.

21.) On my grad night, at the school sponsored dry grad, I turned down sex with a girl because I thought we didn't know each other enough and that she was just trying to make her boyfriend jealous.

22.) The first time I ever got drunk, I was 16 and my parents were the ones who did it to me.

23.) I sing in a baritone, one of my secret desires is to play the role of Major General Stanley in the Pirates of Penzance.

24.) I have a friend who was in a terrible car accident which left him with a childlike mentality. I feel guilty for not visiting him when I probably could, but being around him makes me scared about my own mortality.

25.) I had sex with my friends girlfriend once, they had been dating for a month, I still haven't forgiven myself, and every time I think about it I call myself a slimeball.

26.) I was once a promising improvisational actor. (Or at least I thought I was.)

27.) I cried when I was the best man at a good friend of mines wedding.

28.) I should have joined the military 5 years ago, but because I was experimenting with drugs at the time they wouldn't take me. That is the most i've ever screwed myself.

29.) I worked illegally in the United States for a whole year.

30.) I have been accused of being racist once because I couldn't rent a man a hotel room. It truly hurt me.

31.) I have an I.Q. of 147.

32.) I have no patience for stupid people and wish most of them would just die.

33.) I consider myself attractive.

34.) I lost over 70 lbs on the Atkins diet.

35.) I am an active member of the Society For Creative Anachronism.

36.) I will never forgive someone for cheating on me ever again, under any circumstances, and I'm considering making whoever I end up dating sign a waiver stating that they understand that.

37.) I'm very attracted to one of my brothers wifes friends but have never asker her out because if things went wrong I'd be too uncomfortable with the situation.

38.) I'm almost convinced that no one will read this far.

39.) I don't like dogs because one mauled my little sister.

40.) If I could spend the rest of my life camping and fishing I would.

41.) I respect my father and have trouble thinking of him as being able to do wrong.

42.) I love my mother but see fault with many of her actions.

43.) I have finished over 300 video games and remember how to finish them still. If I could take video games camping I would probably die of some sort of overload of joy.

44.) I'll try anything once, with just one or two exceptions.

45.) I have two cats, one of which is almost 3 years old and still doesn't have a proper name.

46.) I feel guilty when I'm in a relationship and look at other women.

47.) My favourite food is bacon cheeseburgers.

48.) I'm no good over long distances, but am a surprisingly fast sprinter.

49.) I could have been a contender.

50.) My favourite comedy of all time is Monty Pythons quest for the holy grail, and I can quote many parts of the movie from heart.

51.) I wore a Star Trek uniform to school for 1 whole week in mourning at the cancellation of Star Trek Then Next Generation.

52.) When I was in grade 8 I beat up the toughest kid in grade 10.

53.) I have had sex with a complete stranger.

54.) I don't like coffee.

55.) The Tick is the greatest superhero of all time and if there was ever a cartoon that didn't run for long enough on TV that was it.

56.) It takes me forever to get mad.

57.) I forgive, but I never forget.

58.) I took part in a threesome with 2 girls, it was cool but I would never do it again because I honeslty have enough trouble trying to keep one women happy and it seemed to me that in the threesome someone was always sitting around a lot.

59.) I am an uncle 7 times over. This truly makes me feel I don't need to have kids.

60.) I feel far more comfortable with people 10-20 years older then I am, I don't know why.

61.) My best friend in the world is a girl. She has never failed to be there for me.

62.) I started writing in this blog because I thought it might help me deal with my feelings, but it only seems to have intensified them.

63.) I regret not getting to know Clayton better in high school, he is a very cool person.

64.) I have had 3 relationships in my life, and way too many flings.

65.) If I was president, I most likely would have bombed several countries to the ground in my first day in office.

66.) I think that if I was pushed just a little to far I could actually go crazy.

67.) I can't fathom anyone being interested in my life enough to have read this far.

68.) I love the British and think the world would be a far better place if they had won the american war for independence.

69.) I don't like the way Canada panders to minorities, I feel this is wholely unfair to those of us who aren't. Everyone should be treated exactly the same, with the same laws, and equal rights.

70.) I worked for a company once that made me put in a 17 hour day my first day on the job. It was also my last day on the job. Bastards.

71.) I have had a PC since I was 2 years old.

72.) The first game I ever played was Space Quest 2, by Sierra.

73.) I love playing Dungeons and Dragons, I will never stop as long as I can find people who want to play with me.

74.) I've been writing this list for over an hour and my wrists are starting to cramp.

75.) When I was 13 prostitute tried to get me to buy sex from her.

76.) The first boob I ever saw was my babysitters. She was sunbathing and forgot she had untied her top. I was 11 and this is the first time I ever remember being attracted to a woman sexually.

77.) I have read the Lord of the Rings Trilogy over 20 times.

78.) The Hobbit was the first book I ever read and I have reread it since over 40 times.

79.) When I watched that movie where they got shrunk and went in a submarine in that persons body, I was scared for weeks because the guy turned into a skeleton in the stomach acid.

80.) My mother nearly got my 6th grade teacher fired for making me cry in front of the class.

81.) My parents were rich until I was 12 and then they lost their business because of the GST. I know this sounds like a poor me story but it was one of the most traumatic experiences of my whole life.

82.) It was also the same year that my grandfather died.

83.) I was never any good at baseball but in the last game I ever played I hit a grand slam.

84.) I used to chat on a site called the "Chathouse" with my buddy Scott. We would make things up and tell people outrageous stories. We pretended to be Bob Dole campaign workers for 2 months. We felt very vindicated when he lost.

85.) I still like watching bugs bunny cartoons.

86.) I think that society is too politically correct.

87.) My parents managed a hotsprings resort for a while, and I got to go on the waterslides for free.

88.) For the 2 weeks I was in australia I took up smoking. I really don't see why people can't quit, I found it to be quite easy.

89.) I really really really like big boobs.

90.) I have horrible taste in poetry and music.

91.) My wrist hurts like the friggen devil.

92.) I am completely convinced that world war three will start soon.

93.) I have considered moving to the north of Canada because of this. Seriously.

94.) I've been watching the Simpsons avidly since it first aired on television.

95.) I didn't like Buffy the Vampire slayer on tv, but have since changed my mind when I saw the DVD.

96.) I never liked survivor until Rupert was on it. Rupert is my own personal hero.

97.) There are very few women out there that I find nothing attractive about them.

98.) I'm very turned on by a german accent.

99.) I've never had unprotected sex with a stranger.

100.) I had my first kiss and my first time with the same girl, in the same week.

101.) I feel weird posting this much personal stuff on the internet.

Till later gentle readers,

-Justin

Life's a beach, and then you sunburn.

2005-08-03T15:47:00.000-07:00

Good day, my loyal readership. I think you number 1 or 2. :) 4, if I assume that everyone who's ever left a comment is a loyal read. Mind you, I don't know about that girl who seemed to be promoting a dating service. *Sigh*

I spent the day at the beach. (For those of you who know me well I haven't done this since I was about 4. The reason of course being, as my friend Scott and I decided about 12 years ago, is that people like me and him can only go to the beach between the hours of 11 pm, and 5 am.) But having lost about 70 pounds I no longer feel unwelcome. I may not be a hard body, but there are a lot less soft parts. :) I took my niece and nephew and their babysitter. It was kind of cool as she attends my old alma mater, and she knew half of my old high school teachers. Hard to believe it, but half of them are still working there 10 years later. Ok, 8 years but who's actually counting except for Clayton.

My niece and I went swimming in the cold lake water and eventually I even coaxed my nephew away from the shade and got him to come in too. It was a lot of fun. My niece is 12 now so I suppose soon she'll be too old to be hanging out with her boring uncle, so I better get the time in while I can. I'm in stage one of a 3 alarm sunburn. I guess I'll have to suck it up though, cause I'm taking them all tomorrow. My 3 nieces and 2 nephews, and apparently one of my nephews friends as well. Should be exciting. There were of course 3 Montrealers sitting 1 towel over which immediately reminded me of my ex Fiance, so that was a bit of a bummer. But I ignored their French guffawing and tried to just have a good time.

My good friend Becky has been kind enough to secure me an interview with her boss at future shop. I've never sold anything by commission before so I suppose we'll have to see how that works out. I think honestly I won't like it too much but it should pay the bills until I decide what to do with my life. I'm actually getting kind of antsy, just sitting around and god knows it'll get my mom off my case if she at least sees me trying.

I'm rather disappointed with my last rant about Juicy Fruit, after having read it, it just seems to lack the anger I was trying to go for and came up more of a blase(insert proper accent to the e that I just don't know how to do.) attempt. I suppose it makes sense though as I am far more frustrated then angry these days. I'll have to make another attempt at a rant, I actually can be kind of funny when I'm not being depressing. I wish I had kept some of my high school English essays. I had one of those rare teachers that didn't mind if you wrote something interesting instead of what he wanted to hear, and I think some of my most creative writing may have been under his kind tutelage. So here's to you Mr. Rogers, you made me appreciate writing.

Anyways, everyone's seems to have just walked in the door and I can't write when I'm distracted, so I guess I may have to write later. I actually still have things to say.

Bye for now,

-Justin

The wrigleys corporation has lost my business and respect.

2005-07-31T22:18:00.000-07:00

I am SICK AND TIRED of the juicy fruit campaign. What the hell is wrong with wrigleys? Who do they think they are? It's time that someone stood up for my generation and said the truth. I like the juicy fruit song, and even though the guy they have singing it these days is a bit of a fruit himself, I like him anyways.

If I see those 2 young punk ass kids break his guitar again I'm going to.... well nothing... cause it's against the law to do what I want to do, and I don't break the law unless I have a good reason. But I am going to rant about it in the hopes that people will read my rant and stop eating Juicy Fruit gum, and for that matter boycott the Wrigley corporation entirely. What is it with corporations anyways? I know youth have a large disposable income but so do us adults. It bothers me how much corporate America panders to the youth of today. These whiny ass little bastards have to much going for them already. Look at schools! The school I went to as a kid has been turned into a freaking Mega mall with 2,000,000 different subjects to choose from. Forget MATH.... lets take PRINCIPLES of math, or FUNDAMENTALS of math if you're too stupid for the other. And hey, why take electives like Drama or Art, when you could take medieval armoursmithing. That's gonna be a REAL useful skill when you get out of school.

I do however, digress. Why must Wrigleys gum schill it's product by destroying something good and wholesome? What's wrong with the Juicy Fruit song? I want to get my ski's shined up and grab a stick of Juicy Fruit! The taste does move me! Just typing the words has put that wonderful little jingle in my head. Try not to start humming it! I DARE YOU! And now just for fun imagine those two little bastards ripping the guitar out of the poor guys hand and smashing it. There is NOTHING sweet about this. This is pure hatred. Pure malice. Pure evil. If William Wrigley could see this travesty of justice he would be rolling in his grave. If I could have 5 minutes with the Wrigley corporation heads, I would tell them to start selling thier product on it's merits, not by alienating a whole generation of customers. From this day forth I vow you this. I will not chew another piece of Wrigley's gum until they remove these commercials and apologize publicly to me. That's right, not a blanket, we're sorry to all the people we offended with our commercials, but a VERBAL apology to me. I ask you wrigley haters, unite in my cause. No one buy wrigleys gum or any other wrigleys products until I get a verbal apology, and the offending commercials are removed from the air and all copies they have in their possession are burned.

That's all I have to say about that.

-Justin

Idle hands do the devils work Fawlty....

2005-07-25T16:53:00.000-07:00

Sitting around my parents house has been interesting. It's easy enough to leave home, or at least it was for me, but it's relatively hard to come back. I had forgotten why I left home in the first place. I suppose the reason I left home is no different then the reason that anyone leaves home; I don't like living with my parents. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents to death, but I guess after being away from here for 5 years, I forgot how they want things done. I have no problem pulling my share, especially as they are letting me live here rent free till I figure things out, but honestly I don't like cleaning when there's nothing worth cleaning for. My mother has me mopping floors every other day and vacuuming and all those wonderful domestic chores that in my own house would only ever get done if they actually needed doing.

So why is it that people clean when things are clean? I suppose that in 2 days a small amount of dust would indeed settle and technically things aren't clean, but if I can't see it why bother? Now I know that some of you reading this are probably like my mother and would clean every 10 minutes if you could, so I invite your comments please. I want to know why you feel that things need to be cleaned this often? Are you afraid of germs? Honestly, I just don't understand. Please enlighten me. Hey, if you want, you can come over and do all the cleaning you want to here. You and my mother can be cleaning buddies! Ok, don't know where that came from... sorry.

Been talking to my ex-not so ex-fiance. She's confusing the hell out of me. Every time I talk to her she says she loves me and that she misses me and that she thinks she made a mistake in sending me away, yet she also says that she doesn't want me back till she's sure that that is what she wants. I suppose that maybe she just doesn't know what she wants. It's certainly unfair to me, but then I'm the one that refuses to give up on her till she tells me to bugger off cause I believe that as long as there is love there that things can be worked out. I know that this is possibly a little Disney of me and maybe I'm still in denial, but I can't stop loving her. She's the one that responsible for all the crap that's going on between us yet all I think about is how much she's hurting because of everything. Basically she's stringing me along till she makes up her mind if she wants me or not, and I'm sitting here just waiting for her to decide. If I knew anyone going through the same situation I'd be telling them that it's over, and to move on, but I love her too much to do it. I know that for the rest of my life I'll just be sitting around wishing I'd done everything I could have and regretting not doing it.

So here I sit. I'm going to have to get a job soon. My parents have been patient with me, but I know it will end sooner then I'd like it too. I just wish she'd make up her mind and either tell me it's over or tell me to get my butt back to Cornwall. At least I'd finally be out of this hellish limbo world.

Till next time I suppose.

-Justin

Ok, maybe every other day then.

2005-07-24T18:30:00.000-07:00

Well, I suppose that maybe I'll try to stick to the every other day schedule. Maybe I'll post on the odd off day as well. I suppose it doesn't matter, it's not like there's many of you reading this anyways. *Grin* So, I suppose today I should be as riveting as possible as I have been a bit of a downer in my last few posts.

This morning was so much fun, I got to move a hot tub with my brother-in-law and my dad, and my brother, and my brothers wife's father. Doesn't that sound exciting! Well if any of you ever have the chance to move a hot tub I recommend you run. That thing weighed a tonne! Every time you manage to get a grip somewhere someone else moves and you lose it. We had a lot more success I will say once we managed to get it up on it's side and get the water out of the hoses, but it still weighed a crapload. We had to lift it up onto a trailer, which was 3 feet off the ground. Managed to do it without killing anyone and took it to my brother-in-law's house. Got it into the back yard and spent an hour cleaning it. I think the next time that someone asks me to move a hot tub I'll feign a back injury.

I borrowed the new Harry Potter book from my 13 year old niece. I feel so grown up. It's amazing the popularity of that book. I wish I had had the idea to write that story. It surprises me when I read it what a compelling story it is. The books are not very well written, the plot predictable, and the characters only barely 3 dimensional. The story however is riveting. If I could come up with a story as good I suppose I'd stop writing a blog and get really rich preying on the wallets of children everywhere. Adults as well I suppose, I mean I'm reading them for gods sake! Makes me feel like I'm a kid again.

Sitting here in front of the computer, watching "The Waterboy" On TBS, I think to myself "What the hell? I could make a movie 20 times better then this. Why am I sitting here on my butt, all poor?" Then I realize that it's because I'm lazy and have no real direction in my life. I suppose I should get off my butt and do something about it but I just don't wanna! :(

I think that my writing is sounding kind of disjointed today because I'm watching TV I suppose I'll leave it here and say goodbye everyone. I'll try to write something tomorrow that's actually worth reading.

-Justin

What's a little broken trust anyways?

2005-07-22T13:03:00.000-07:00

Betrayal....

Such a delicate word for such a horrible thing. Lately my MSN handle has been, "Being betrayed isn't so bad, I mean it's only your soul that dies." That pretty much sums up what I'm feeling these days. Nothing hurts quite so much as the person you love and have always trusted taking advantage of that love and trust. Sometimes these days I wish I could die. I would never kill myself, but if someone accidentally dropped a piano on my head I'd be thanking them. I never knew that I had this much capacity for hurt. One would expect that eventually you'd just go numb and stop feeling, but it hasn't happened yet. One day in the future however things in my life pan out, I know I'll get over this but it doesn't seem like it now. I'm also getting tired of all the worn out phrases that people have for this situation;

"Tis better to have loved and lost." Who really thinks this? Tis better to have stayed on your couch lonely cause loneliness hurts way less then having everything you always wanted taken away from you. For gods sake! I don't know who said this originally but obviously they had never experienced loss!

"There are more fish in the sea" For gods sake! I'M NOT BLOODY FISHING! See that mashed up blob of flesh on my sleeve? THAT'S MY HEART! Should I use that for bait!??!?!?! Bloody retarded.

"Time heals all wounds" Maybe eventually time will make the hurt and loss scab over and turn into a nifty emotional scar, but at the moment time is turning me into a raving lunatic. I'm talking about using my crushed and battered heart for fishing bait for gods sake!!!! The last thing I want to think about right now is how much free friggen time I now have.

"Go out, do something, get your mind off things." Ok, granted this really isn't a tired saying but still. WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK I'D GO OUT AND DO?!?!?! Yay! Nothing like going out on your own when you're wishing you were dead. Makes for a fun time don't it? Or even better take one of the 2 remaining friends I have left with me right?!??! Cause I'll be the life of the party! I'll entertain like no tomorrow.

I can't believe what people think will cheer you up. I can't even drink because unless I manage to tread that fine line of almost drunk I all I do is become melancholy. Nothing like a depressant to pick up your spirits! It seems like the whole world is against you when you're hurting over love. You turn on the radio and half the friggen songs are "I love you, la la la, and you love me, la la la!" The other half are all, "I miss you baby and I want you back" And the rest are about a guy who has a dog with three legs and doesn't know why he keeps it. Ok, well that's not true but what the hell? You turn on TV and what do you see? Commercials for divorce lawyers and detectives to find out if your spouse is cheating on you. That or happy little families where everythings perfect and everyone goes around going DO DO DO my life is so much better then your's Justin! HA HA HA! Friggen asses! I HATE THEM SO MUCH!

Anyways, now that I have that off my chest. I'll leave with this;

I miss my ex, but my aim is improving.

-Justin

An afternoon to forget...

2005-07-21T23:17:00.000-07:00

First, I want to apologize, I meant to be posting here daily but have missed my first day already. 2 for 3, not so bad I suppose but I'll try to post here on a regular basis none-the-less. I spoke with the fiance this afternoon, I still don't want to go into specifics because if I did I'd have to leave the river in Egypt that I've been floating down for a while, but needless to say, it did not go well. I'm actually reminded of a song/speech that was popular around my graduation (class of 1998, woot) by Baz Luhrman. It was a hodgepodge of meandering wit and mostly tired advice and sayings that apply to everything and therefore are acceptable. Asinine really but what the hell. Anyways what stuck with me to this day is the line; Don't be reckless with other peoples hearts, don't put up with people who are reckless with yours. Easy enough to say, but what do you do if you're madly in love with the one who's jerking your heart around? I suppose that it's mostly my fault for still believing when maybe I should stop but how do you do that?

I went to see the movie "The Wedding Crashers" yesterday and it was hilarious. The first time I've laughed in a while. Vince Vaughn gives one hell of a performance. I won't ruin it for any of you that haven't had a chance to see it, it's worth the 10 bux. It gets 5 and a 1/2 thumbs up.

SPOOOON!

I've been playing Counter-Strike lately. I went out and spent 20 bux to get the Half Life platinum edition. Sad, I know, but I used to play it all the time when I was single and I had an urge the other night. It's not like it used to be. A lot of people seem to be cheating and my skills are less sharp then I'd like. That'll teach me for quitting computer games to have a life with the women I love. Now I'm going to have to get good at all those time consuming things again. Then again maybe not. Maybe I should just jump right back on the horse and start dating again. That would certainly be fair to whoever I went out with eh?

My mother, whom I love, has not been the least bit helpful through this. "Get a job, that'll take your mind off things" Bless her heart, she's never been great at giving advice. I suppose I'll have to though. I'm too old to be mooching off my parents. I certainly don't want to be that 40 year old guy living in his parents basement waiting for them to die.... I went to school with enough of those and it's a fate I want to escape. I suppose really it's time I made something of my life. Maybe I should interpret this as a chance to finish that English degree I started. But who am I kidding. I already have a delinquent student loan to contend with and I don't know that they'll give me another. Even the federal government can't be that stupid. Damn bad credit anyways. I wish that someone would come along and pull a fight club already. "I am Justin's raging sense of self pity."

Maybe I should join the army. When I was but a wee lad I always wanted a job that would let me help people. I wanted to be a fireman... or a policeman... or a superhero.... but all those things are much harder to get into then you would think. Which is a good thing I suppose, as I wouldn't like just anyone reaching the post of superhero. Cause that wouldn't be the best thing I guess. I can see it now;

Everybody look, it's a tank! It's a bus! It's.... Couch potatoe man! Couch potatoe man! Please! Help us! Use your spudly powers to stop those bank robbers!

Sorry citizens, I'm tired and there's an infomercial on about how I can turn my life around for 29.95.

But seriously.... Ok well... mildly seriously... There's so many things I could do with my life and all I want out of my life is to be with the women I love. I'd sacrifice everything I have for her and I don't know that she even still wants me. I suppose that's what love is, having your heart taken out with a cheese grater through your nose. Not for the squeamish.

For those of you that read this far I think I better leave on a high note. That being said I'll postulate on something.... well I was going to say happier, but how about something somewhat nostalgic.

I used to have a coleco. For those of you who don't know what that is, it's a type of video game system that was popular in the very early 80's. I loved my coleco, and I loved playing great games like BC roll on it. I think I played with my coleco till the buttons on the controller stopped working. I find it amazing that today you can buy a watch with more processing power then my 10 pound coleco game console had. I still miss my coleco.

Till next time

-Justin

'ello all.

2005-07-19T23:53:00.000-07:00

What to say,

Hello, salutations, and welcome to my corner of the earth. I've never written a blog entry before this so I must insist that you bear with me till I get the hang of spilling my thoughts out on the world wide web. I've recently had some rough times in my life that I might even start to write about if they stop hurting so much. Until then I'll just rant on about what upsets me these days because I've been looking for some sort of an outlet to vent.

I just spent a week looking after a house for one of my very best friends. I also had the pleasure of looking after her dog as well. I recently separated from my fiance, and this is the first time I've spent alone since that unfortunate event. I did not realize the amount of pent up anger and the sheer amount of frustration that I've been feeling because of this. It hit me last Saturday that I better find an outlet when I almost killed her dog for eating my dinner when I turned my head. Now that's not to say that I did anything to the dog, I yelled at it, but that was all. I did however want to kill the dog. I was about 2 seconds from going into a blind rage and hurting it. I've never raised my hand to anything in anger. Certainly to defend myself but never in anger. It's one of the few things I'm actually proud of. This of course had absolutely nothing to do with the dog. I just don't know how to deal with this. It's not like me at all. This experience has been like having my heart removed with a spatula through my ear. A little melodramatic I suppose but it's the truth.

I've been walking around for the past 2 weeks in a fog. I haven't really been eating right, or sleeping. All I dream of is her. Now to complicate matters we've been talking about getting back together, but she's not sure. I'd forgive anything to the women I love. How long should I be waiting till she figures things out? What timeline do you put on forgiveness? When do you stop loving someone? When does the hurt go away? Will we ever recover. Or course you, gentle reader, could never answer these questions for me. I certainly can't answer them for myself. Who knows? I might be back together with her tomorrow. Or I might never see her again. I suppose on the cosmic scale it doesn't matter.

I've been talking to my friend Clayton on MSN recently, those very few of you who might actually read my little ramblings here might know him as the "Opiated Sherpa" I'll see if I can link his blog to mine for those of you who don't. No promises however as I have no web design ability.

I was just watching a Rickards Red commercial on TV where all these people are singing to "O' Fortuna" By Orf, and it struck me as odd that the average beer drinking male most likely doesn't know the Carmina Burana, but yet would still appreciate the music because of the humour the lyrics and music set together create. I don't know why I'm writing about this other then to show off my slight understanding of classical music and to say that it was nice to see a commercial that didn't have sex as the main seller of the product. It's not that I have a problem with sex, far rom it. I love sex. I really love sex. *lol* but it does get tiresome to see so much of it selling things on TV. I'm getting bloody tired of commercials schilling hair shampoo that will give you orgasms. I have tried these shampoos and did not have one shampoo induced orgasm. I mean I suppose things come to mind that one could use shampoo for that would eventually result in an orgasm, but it is not in the instructions on the shampoo bottle, and therefore not an intended use. God knows you shouldn't be using products for things other then what they are intended for.

Well I'm going to stop rambling about things for now, possibly I'll do it again. As I haven't really resolved anything through writing I suppose I'm going to have too. I will admit I found the process somewhat therapeutic however so maybe there is something to this blog stuff afterall.

Talk to all of you soon

-Justin